Category: Life Challenges

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet” – Juliet Capulet
‘Romeo and Juliet’ Act II, Scene ii
William Shakespeare, 1596

We live in interesting times – The Global Consensus has collapsed; Tarriff barriers are being reinforced; Peaceful countries are re-arming amid ongoing conflict in Ukraine and Gaza; Reform have taken control of local politics in England; The Labour government are penalising the poor for being poor and the needy for being needy; Demand for Mental Health Services has gone through the roof; and supply of Mental Health Services both paid for and free at the point of delivery are being increasingly restricted intentionally or unintentionally. So, now seems like a good time to stop and think for a bit.

Have the wealthy and the authoritarians taken over? Maybe they were always in charge, if not in control, of your lives? Is your security to be measured by how many tanks, missiles and nukes your country is able to deploy? Must your government always balance the books or is good government about knowing where to spend and how much to spend? And are you better off looking after number one or is caring really sharing?

Academics will tell me that I need to analyse these questions in terms of scale; Global; National; Local; Group and Individual. Each level of scale is to be analysed in its own terms, and what applies at one level may not apply at another. On this occasion, however, I’m going to ignore their advice because, well, because not only is the personal political but the political is very much personal; or to put it another way ‘nothing about me, without me’ goes for everything about me full stop.

One area where such inclusivity is particularly important for us is our health and the differences between medicine and wellbeing (let’s call it). Medical practice focuses on the body. Medical practice treats the illness, often with success. But what happens when the focus isn’t the body? What happens when the focus is the person, you? What happens when your well-being (rather than your medication) is the issue? What I’m suggesting is that you cannot remove the person from their social and political context. What I’m suggesting is that for well-being, the medical model is inappropriate and simply will not work as a way of helping people feel safe, secure, confident and, yes, happy about themselves.

So where can we go from here? Well, one approach to such big questions is offered by what is sometimes known as ‘Radical Therapy’. This is the idea that therapy means social, political and personal change. And this means that therapy is not about adjustment or fitting in. Nor does treatment involve taking medication in order to achieve or to restore a possibly never existing equilibrium. Of course, you can do these other things, it’s just that they’re not going to bring about any personal development or maybe even any lasting change.

‘How arrogant’ you may think. ‘How dare these so-called radical people presume to know better than the medical professionals, not to say the elected politicians and all the other relevant experts.’

Well, try working with something like the transformative concepts set out in and used by Transactional Analysis. These are 1) People generally start off ok, 2) People experiencing emotional difficulties remain intelligent human beings, 3) Emotional difficulties can be resolved by engaging with them using an effective approach.

Take this further and you come to see both the presence and the relevance of the social and, yes, the political whenever we express ourselves thoughtfully and emotionally. We can’t help but be affected by our society and our society can’t help but be affected by us. Sitting behind the walls of a gated community or behind the wheel of an expensive car doesn’t change this and nor does ingesting medication or alcohol or other substances. That’s just like pretending our social and political self isn’t there. Well, it is.

For these reasons Radical Therapy holds mental health practice to be a social and political activity. Mental health professionals are social and political beings so they simply can’t opt out of acting socially and politically. Choosing not to engage or seeking a neutral position are simply other ways of engaging. Worse, to try to be neutral where people are suffering inequalities means that professionals find themselves going along with unequal laws and reinforcing outdated values.

So, if it’s so good, how can I do it? Maybe it’s as simple as starting off by considering your position. Who am I? What am I doing? Where will this get me? Then maybe, who would I like to be? What would I like to be doing? Where would I like to be doing it? Then you can decide how you are going to get there. It’s not about someone telling you what to do. It’s not about correcting problems that lie deep within you. It’s not about finding ‘the answer’. It is about deciding that you are going to confront the things that get in your way. It is about looking for the answers to the questions you have about every aspect of your life. And then it is about understanding what you need to do. And once you have done this then you can ask for support, then you can seek advice, and then you can decide what you can do to get you there.

For professionals this means being sensitive to the person in front of you. Can you relate to what they are saying and to how they are feeling? Can you focus on their way of being in the world and what they need to be this way? And can you use your skills, knowledge and experience to help them to address, and in time to meet their needs? This will begin by both the professional and the client recognising their way of being and acknowledging their needs, whatever they may be. And while this approach lies at the heart of Radical Therapy it doesn’t really matter what you call it. What matters is that you do it.

Maybe reading this will give you a good idea about what you want to do and, if it does, I sincerely hope you will follow this through. Maybe it will leave you wanting to tear it all down and start again, this time fairly and equitably. Maybe thinking about this will all seem a bit too much. Well, if it does, please remember that you are not the only person asking these questions, you are not the only person looking for a way forward. And this means that you can always ask the people you trust and who trust you.

One way you can do this is to join a group of like-minded people. In the security of the group, you will be able to discuss your experiences and what they mean for you. This in turn will offer you a way of understanding issues that are troubling for you in the presence of and with the support of those who have faced similar situations. You will also hear about issues that others in the group have had to face and how they have been able to keep going.

From this you may reflect on your own life. You may use your new understanding to decide to live your life in a way that gives you some relief from your difficulties. You may then choose to talk about your most troubling issues in personal therapy. And in this way, you may receive some hope that better times lie ahead.

I hope you will enjoy your journey. It may not be easy but I do hope you will find it worthwhile.

We all need to be ready for change. What if it all seems to be too much right now?

From time to time, things can get on top of us and cause us to feel anxious. These feelings may increase to the point where they become unbearable. In such moments we are no longer concerned with the facts such as mounting debts or ill health. We have become overwhelmed by the anxieties such facts cause us to feel.
So what can we do about such truly awful feelings? Well, if we are suddenly struck while at work or shopping say, we can find a space and let time pass:

Let Time Pass
Sit – Close eyes – Hands on knees
Let what is in your mind be in your mind
Let your thoughts be
Let your feelings be
When you feel calm, open your eyes

This is a version of the ‘face, accept, float, let time pass’ technique developed by Dr. Claire Weekes (‘Peace from Nervous Suffering’, 1972).
If we have more time and space available to us we can choose to practice mindful relaxation. Here is a straightforward version of mindfulness that I use with some of my clients:

Mindfulness
Sit – Close eyes – Hands on knees
Three deep breaths
Notice what is in your mind
Say: I am thinking about … – It’s just there – I’m going to let … go
Notice what you are feeling
Say: I feel … in my … – It’s just there – I’m going to let … go
After a while:
Three deep breaths
Open your eyes
Lift your hands from your knees

There are, of course, many different versions of mindfulness and many different applications of mindful techniques. I first came across the practice of mindfulness at Recovery College Collective (ReCoCo) in Newcastle upon Tyne. The above is an adaptation of what I learned there.
To address issues within your body such as stress and tension the technique of body scanning can be of great. Here is a simple version:

Body Scanning
Start with the top of your head and work your way down to the tips of your toes
Say: I feel … in my … – It’s just there – I’m going to let … go
Stretch your face and limbs – relax
Tense your muscles – relax
Then start with the tips of your toes and work your way up to the top of your head

Body scanning can be practiced on its own or together with longer, more involved mindful techniques favoured by many such as Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Taken together these three techniques address issues in the here and now, in troubling thoughts and in difficult feelings. They also serve as a useful preparation for further investigations and potentially useful understandings through counselling and psychotherapy.

What are our emotions for?

We all have emotions, and all of our emotions serve a purpose. For our emotions may motivate actions, supply us with information or allow us to communicate our feelings to others. While emotions themselves are never right or wrong, what may be accurate or inaccurate are our interpretations of them.

Positive emotions such as happiness and joyfulness can inspire us and lead us forward to a better life. They can give us courage when we are afraid, direct us when we feel lost or show us what makes a real difference to our lives.

Negative emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and guilt are troubling and distressing. Yet even negative emotions have a positive side.

Anger relates to the boundaries we need to set for ourselves. Anger helps us learn when to say “Yes” and when to say “No”. It keeps us from getting trapped in unhealthy situations, and it helps us to know who and what we really like and dislike.

Sadness allows us to connect deeply with other people. It opens us up to love, revealing our vulnerability and our desires for lasting relationships. Sadness helps us connect with the spiritual realities that are important to us. It helps us stay in tune with our bodies and with our surroundings.

Fear can help us step back from a situation and look at it objectively. Fear can give us good advice about the present and allow us to create new opportunities for our future life.

And guilt originates from a perception that you have done something wrong. This guilty feeling leads to anxiety, putting more and more pressure on us. This anxiety comes from the feeling that something bad will happen. For example, you may have upset others or you may have judged someone harshly or you may feel ashamed of yourself. Guilt can lead to a loss of love, bring about a break in connections with others, and cause us to question whether we really are a good person.

In such situations our emotions can become overwhelming, so overwhelming that we become unable to manage them in healthy, effective ways. This is known as ‘emotion dysregulation’.

To regulate our emotions, we may begin by learning to recognise and acknowledge them. This is sometimes referred to as ‘name it to tame it’. This naming helps us to increase our awareness of how we experience our emotions and to get to know them better.

Next, we need to accept our emotions and thereby validate them. This self-validation can be soothing and may prevent additional emotional pain from arising.

In this way we can re-regulate or ‘get in touch with’ our true emotions rather than covering them up with anger or simply dismissing them. One way to do this is to stretch our arms up, bend forwards and take measured breaths (where our exhale is longer than our inhale). Such exercises can help to quieten loud emotions and allow us space to work out what to do next.

So why not try to get in touch with your emotions? You may be pleased, upset, or even surprised by what your emotions say to you. Whatever you find, it will help you to move forward with your life.

When is it right to ask for help and to seek support?

Magazines, social media, well-meaning friends; all have advice on how to feel better, calmer, more positive etc. But does this advice work? Can you walk, meditate or superfood your way to happiness?

I’m going to give a typical therapist answer here – It depends who you are to begin with and how you are at the time.

You don’t have to be an expert to see that it’s a good idea to take care of yourself mentally and physically. And there’s good evidence for the benefits of some popular remedies such as gentle exercise, time spent outdoors or breathing exercises.

At the same time, encouragement to help yourself can feel much the same as an instruction to ‘pull yourself together’, if in gentler language. And sometimes we have issues to deal with that cannot be resolved in such a way. We may, for example, be stuck in grief or suffering ongoing depression or having to deal with unresolved trauma.

Self-help may also set unrealistic goals for us such as ‘feel better in fourteen days’. It can also make us feel that we must feel good all the time when that is neither natural nor healthy. And, for people prone to drive themselves too hard, self-help can be just one more punishing routine alongside the others.

It is perfectly normal for human beings to feel tired or down every now and then. Indeed, sometimes the best thing to do is live with the unsettling feelings for a little while and maybe view this as a clue to whether we have a bigger problem to resolve.

So please, feel free to try some self-help but don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work for you. And remember that sometimes the best way to help yourself is to ask someone else for help.

Are you tired of people treating you differently? Do you feel you are being picked on? You may be being othered.

At the heart of othering is the thought that I am being made out to be different and the feelings of discomfort and alienation that such thoughts this may bring.

From our earliest days we are told that some people are like us and that some are not. In such ways we come to hold one group of people to be our group and the other groups of people to be different to us. All of which makes sense in helping us to work out and to understand our place in the world.

There are however ways in which this process can become harmful. Our group may come to view itself as superior in any number of ways – healthier, more intelligent, clean or virtuous – and likewise we may come to label certain other groups as inferior in any number of ways – sick, stupid, dirty or immoral.

We may be told that we are a member of a superior group of people and that we are not like the others in the inferior group of people. In this way, the difference between us and the others becomes a distinction between the desirable and the undesirable, between the acceptable and the unacceptable, between the good and the bad.

In this way we may come to view these other people purely on the basis of what we have been told about them. Worse, we may come to judge them to be undesirable, unacceptable and bad purely on the basis of this prejudice.

Then what can happen is twofold. First we may act out of our prejudice to penalise these ‘othered’ people. This may be officially by passing laws against them and it may be unofficial by making up rude and demeaning names for them or worse by physically attacking them. This leads to the second part, whereby those treated in this way cry out against the injustices they are being made to suffer. They may do this formally on a case by case basis. They may seek justice and redress top from their oppressor while understanding that this is often asking the oppressive group to act against its own members. Or they may act informally. They may politely ask the people concerned to stop making rude and offensive remarks. They may be less polite verbally or they may react with violence against their oppressors property or even attack their oppressors physically.

Stop for a moment and think how this came about. The natural process of separation and individuation developed into a distinction between those who are like us and those who are not. This distinction was used to create a distinction between our group and other unlike group. And this distinction was exploited to create divisions with the intention of gaining advantages for members of our group over and against members of the other group. It is this exploitation that lies at the heart of what is wrong about othering leading, as it does, to prejudicial injustice.

There are many well-known examples of othering such as men othering women, white people othering non-white people, rich people othering poor people (‘the poor’). In each case one group holds an advantage which they exploit to take from the othered group what is rightly theirs.

And what may this be? What is it that people rightly have? Well, good jobs and possessions certainly. But also dignity, self-respect, independence, freedom of thought and self-determination. And aren’t these the very things that psychotherapy seeks to help individuals achieve?

So in this sense, psychotherapy may be seen as the opposite of othering. With psychotherapy you can bring the disparate parts of your life together in a way that makes sense to you and feels comfortable for you. In time you can come to experience wholeness in yourself and togetherness with your family, your friends and the world around you. And in this way psychotherapy represents a process of togethering.

What can I do to stop being spiteful?

To spite someone is to intentionally annoy, hurt or upset them even where there may be no apparent gain, or even where the spiteful actions may cause actual harm. For psychotherapists spite is viewed as a form of self-harm based on a series of negative interactions. This is often related to anger and to withdrawal.

Spite has a negative impact on our relations with those we are spiteful towards. Being spiteful stops us from enjoying ourselves by preventing us having the positive actions we may desire or even crave. This means that spite is corrosive. It will corrode your relationships and lead to superficial or plastic interactions.

There are a number of reasons why you may feel spiteful:
You may feel they have wronged you and want to get back at them – revenge. You may resent the person while being afraid of being open and honest with them. You may feel it is too difficult to talk openly and honestly to them about you’re your feelings. This may be because they are closed, indifferent, hostile, aggressive or abusive. You may be scared to confront them directly. Or you may feel that you are in the wrong and you don’t want to admit this or be held accountable for the consequences of your actions.

Psychotherapy can help you to explore what motivates your spiteful actions. People may come to be spiteful because of their childhood. An overbearing parent or a school bully may have left you feeling that you have no other option than to be spiteful towards them. People may choose to be spiteful because of their position at work. You may be having bad experiences with your colleagues such as arguments about milk, sugar, coffee and tea. You may hold someone to be not pulling their weight, swinging the lead or sucking up to the boss. These may all produce negative thoughts and lead to spiteful actions. And then there are managers or other authority figures who may put their own needs before yours, take credit for your work or regard your time as their own.

Psychotherapy can help you to find a more reasonable and productive course of action. Talking to a psychotherapist can allow you to voice different, possibly shameful yet genuine feelings and thoughts. Talking to a psychotherapist can allow you to work through issues that you don’t want to share with those close to you such as your life partner or those with power over you such as your line manager.

Your psychotherapist will evaluate your circumstances and help you to address your issues by going to the roots of your unhelpful behaviours. Your psychotherapist will help you to understand why you are behaving in these damaging ways. They will suggest strategies to help you change and adopt positive behaviours. One such strategy is to keep a journal that sets down your hurts, your anger and even your shame in words and pictures. Over time you will learn to be assertive in appropriate and effective ways. In this way you need never be spiteful again.

The run up to the New Year is often seen as a time for recollection, for looking back on the previous year and on past events that have impacted your more recent life. Spending time with these memories brings up a range of emotions attached to a range of events.

Some of these positive emotions are attached to events and experiences that can make you feel happy and enriched in the present moment. Recalling them is good for you and is something you enjoy doing. You may enjoy sharing this happiness with your family and your friends.

Some of these negative emotions are attached to events and experiences that may still be stressful for you to recall. To remember what happened may even be traumatic for you. With such memories and recollections you may find yourself reliving the past stress and having the painful feelings this brings up.

The sad fact is that you may experience these past events as traumatic in the present and you may come to understand that the pain felt in the past is still with you as the pain you are feeling now, in the present.

So what can you do? Clearly you have a choice to make. You can try to ignore what happened and reject these hurtful emotions. This may push your feelings down and leave them for another day. Or you can recognise them and have them in the present. You can acknowledge the trauma you have suffered and the post-traumatic stress that you are now suffering.

You may decide to talk to your partner, your relatives, or to close friends about the stress that you are having. This may lead you to live your life differently. For example, you may decide to do more exercise, to go to bed earlier, to stop smoking, to drink less – or stop drinking – alcohol.

You may decide that your new understanding requires an appointment with your doctor who will offer advice, support and who may decide that medication is appropriate.

As you pursue your chosen path, your concerns and yes your worries about your future may lead you to decide to talk to a professional psychotherapist. Your psychotherapist will help you to be open about your experiences of trauma, to express your worries about and around this, to examine your current situation and your unfolding desires and plans for your life.

In this way your psychotherapist will help you to form a realistic view of where you are that will allow you to decide on a plan that will enable you to lead a future life free from the stress of past trauma and previous hurt.

It’s up to you. Talk to someone and give yourself the opportunity to live life in the present or stay silent and go on trying not to think about these things.

Happy Christmas – How do you feel when you hear these words? Let’s face it, they are everywhere, all around us at this time of year. And then there’s: Have you done your Christmas shopping? Have you wrapped your gifts? Are all your Covid arrangements in place? And so on and so forth … so no pressure there then!

Christmas is a job, a task that you must do so that you can be happy over the holidays. Or is it? Is Christmas just one huge pressure, an impossible task and – yes – a right royal pain in the backside? And how do you feel about this? Maybe you’ll put up with this yet again because it’ll all be worth it. Maybe you feel you’re bound to fail and it’s just a question of how far you fall short of perfection? Or maybe you just feel sad or frustrated or angry or plain depressed about it all.

If this is how it’s going for you then what are you going to do about it? Nothing? Talk to a friend who feels the same? Find other people who hate Christmas just as much as you do? Well, if Christmas is nothing more than a corporate exercise in extracting as much money as possible from as many people as possible then why not? Be realistic. Pull yourself together and have a damn good moan together.

Then again maybe this isn’t you. Maybe you want to feel better about Christmas and maybe you want to feel better about yourself. Maybe then you feel you could enjoy the festive fun. If this is you then maybe you need to understand what is going on with your desire to set yourself an impossible task while insisting both that you want this hell and that this hell is fun.

Well, we all want to feel good about ourselves and we all want to have fun at Christmas, don’t we? And if we don’t then surely we should do something about this. Sure, friends can help and maybe that’ll do the trick. Have a good moan about how Christmas gets more and more expensive, expectations go up and up, and people are less appreciative year upon year upon year. Then, this year, add on top the tragedy of Covid and the incompetence of those in charge. And finally, share a glass of something and wish each other the merriest of festive seasons.

Or maybe not. Maybe there are deeper needs here. Maybe Christmas brings up things you’d rather not think about and emotions you’d rather not feel. Maybe these things have little to do with Christmas itself. Maybe it’s just that Christmas brings these damn things up year after year and nothing you do can make them go away.

If this is you then you have a further choice. You can do nothing and sit with these awful feelings. You can suffer in silence. Or you can choose to seek help and find support. And the good news is that there is lots of help out there. There are books, internet resources, courses, and self-help groups all available to help you.

And there is psychotherapy; one-to-one personal support, designed to help you get from where you are to where you’d like to be. And there are all sorts of psychotherapists out there waiting to help you. Most will set out what they do and how they work. Some may offer a low or no cost introduction where you can talk to them about what you want from your psychotherapy. And there’s a psychotherapist for everyone. If you don’t like the sound of one psychotherapist then simply try another.

Happy Christmas? The choice is yours.